I’m divorced

My decree absolute came through today, which is great news. Well no, OK, I don’t mean to belittle marriage. It isn’t great that my marriage didn’t work out but, seeing as it turned into a horror show, it’s great that it is finally over.

My ex-husband told me to brace myself for the onslaught of negative emotions that this day would bring – the regret, the shame, things like that. I think he was banking on that a little bit.

That hasn’t happened. Not today.

Today I feel nothing but immense relief. No, not relief. Well yes, relief. But mainly a calmness, of a kind I can’t describe as I’ve never felt it before.

I feel no anxiety.

How can this be? In all my years of setting goals, keeping journals and just general day-dreaming, never once have I aspired to this. Not at any point in my life would I have defined this as a good thing. My hopes for myself have changed over the years – I’ve wanted all sorts of different careers, I’ve wanted to travel, I’ve wanted to settle, I’ve wanted material things, I’ve wanted minimalism – but I have never wanted this.

And yet here I am, having fallen short of every dream, feeling completely content.

I tell you how it feels. It feels like this is day one of the life I am meant to live. Like everything else has just been a precursor; lessons to equip me. There will be more lessons I’m sure.

I know the full range of emotions will come. There will be the regret and shame that my ex-husband is waiting for. This is what happened after we separated: the euphoria and relief turned to panic, shame, grief, anger and everything in between. As each one of those emotions took their turn I submitted to them completely; I became them. Or I resisted them fiercely – whatever. I was a mess.

This time, it will be different. I’m going to let each emotion come in and have its say; stay for as long as it needs. I won’t tell it that it’s outstayed its welcome, or cling on to it when it’s clearly spent. I won’t be scared of the negative emotions or get carried away with the positive ones.

Because I’m sure that once everything has died down, I will be left with this feeling of contentment. I may need to come back to this post to remind myself of that in the coming weeks and months.